David Sedaris in the Reminiscence Neighborhood

 

My daughter Ellen with her grandmother in 2005

Would you like to laugh, for a change?

Read this little story by David Sedaris on The New Yorker website about his last visit to the assisted-living place in Raleigh, North Carolina, where his 98-year-old father was living.

It's subtitled with a quote from the essay: “Who are you?” I want to ask the gentle gnome in front of me. “And what have you done with Lou Sedaris?”

It's about memory loss and the Trump years and the police officer killed by a car ramming a barricade on Capitol Hill, April 2, 2021.

In a wacky conversation, his father asserts, “One of the things I like about us as a family is that we laugh,” he says. “Always! As far back as I can remember. It’s what we’re known for!”

Yes, both David and his sister Amy publish and read aloud hilarious personal stories, often about family life.  But that's probably not what his father was referring to.

Here are my favorite lines, toward the end of the piece:

"For our natures, I have just recently learned from my father, can change. Or maybe they’re simply revealed, and the dear, cheerful man I saw that afternoon at Springmoor was there all along, smothered in layers of rage and impatience that burned away as he blazed into the homestretch."

My mother, too, mellowed as she lived her last eight or nine years.  That hard edge she needed to get through family crises and her years as a working mother just melted away.  

I used to call it fierce determination, her pursuit of an immediate goal, whether driving from our door a Fuller Brush salesman or making sure my father took the civil service exam and regained steady employment.

But part of dementia can be an occasional flash of rage.

One evening I arrived in the Reminiscence Neighborhood about 5 pm, as usual, and began chatting with the caregivers, who were serving meals to forty people sitting at several tables.  

"How are things going today?" I asked.  Every day was different, and anything could have happened.

"We're all good," smiled Marnie Reid, the gentle Filipina leading the evening shift of caregivers.  

I greeted my mother and sat down at a table to talk with her, Marnie, and the other residents and caregivers before pushing Mom in her wheelchair to her room.  

An hour later I returned to the dining area to get a glass of ice water.  Marnie was still cleaning up the kitchen and gave me the real scoop.

"Your mom got upset at the table tonight while they were waiting for dinner," she told me. "She smashed her glass of ice water down on the table."

"Oh no!" I gasped.  "She smashed the glass?  I'm so sorry.  And you cleaned it all up?  Why didn't you tell me?"  I couldn't help giggling as I imagined the scene.

"You don't need to worry about that," laughed Marnie, one of the kindest people I know.  

A visit of a few hours doesn't begin to capture the complexity of life on a floor that is indeed a neighborhood but one where reminiscence is scarce.